Six Inches Of Truth: Jary's Relationship Advice.

So, the Foul Entertainment lads have asked me to impart my knowledge about the fairer sex (birds) onto the blogosphere.

I was gonna write about my experiences, but then I thought it would be better if I took questions and used my vast, VAST experience to help people.




Questions have came at me fast and thick from all manner of people. If you'd like my advice on anything, contact details are at the bottom of this entry or just collar me in the street. I'm usually in the bookies of an afternoon and down the Dog and Feathers after 7.

 

"My boyfriend and I have only had sex twice, but when we do, I bleed afterward. Is this normal?" - Bird I met in Lidl, by the freezers.

Yeah, of course it would. I've got a big dick, that's why! 

 

"Is cybersex really cheating?"  - Mikey Plums from the Dog and Feathers.

Here is a list of things which aren't cheating:

• Sucking tits

• Doggy style

• Not cumming

• If it's your birthday

• If it's her birthday

• If it's someone's birthday

• Getting wanked off

• Cheating 

Pictured: Not cheating.

 

"I've never had an orgasm during intercourse. Is there something wrong with me? - @munchsthescream

 Yes.

 

"Why don't my privates look like a centrefold's?" - Fat club bird

Probably because you don't have staples in your minge.

 

No staples on her!

"My partner likes to watch porn to get aroused. When - if ever, should I be worried?" - JAY

It all depends what he's watching. If he's watching Men In Black Men, Bi-tanic, or Bareback Mounting then yes you should be worried. If it's just your normal bloke-on-girl-on-girl action then that's cool, and if he's interested I can hook up with some quality filth from a bloke in the Feathers (ask for Pete Bastard, password is 'get your cunt out').  

 

"Me and my girlfriend are thinking about having sex for the first time and I'm worried about putting on the condom. I've never done it before. Can you help?" - Cashier at Next

Instructions on how to put on a condom:

• Use clean hands to carefully tear the packet open

• Place the condom on the tip of the penis

• Squeeze the air of the teat

• Roll the condom all the way down to the base

• Take the condom off.

• Smash her bareback and pull out.

  

"What are the hygiene issues when it comes to anal sex?" - Bird I bummed at hers.

 None, if you do it at hers.

 

"My 17-year-old daughter, the eldest of three, met her boyfriend at a sports camp. She has stayed with his family and has now invited him to us. I said it was fine, so long as he slept in a separate room, but my daughter went into a strop. She says they haven’t had sex, but his parents had let them share a bed. Am I wrong?" - Mrs Tout, via postcard

Mrs Tout, I think you should definitely allow your daughter to share a bed with her boyfriend. I assure you I will keep noise down to a minimum after 11PM.

Mrs Tout: Yesterday.

 Hope you've enjoyed my words of wisdom lads, you'll be seeing more of me very soon.

 

Problems in the bedroom? Marriage in a rut? Is your wife clearly cheating and you'd like me to stop railing her? Contact foulentertainment@gmail.com and I'll sort you out.