Six Inches Of Truth: Jary McKyle, a Jeremy Kyle special.

So after my last effort, I have had a lot of responses from people around the world wide interwebs, but they will have to wait until next time. Today, I am going to undertake what most would say is a thankless task. I am going to attempt to solve some of Jeremy Kyle's toughest questions.

My brother stole my girlfriend, but is he the father of my child?

The problem you have here lad is that you assume you are the father in the first place. Always think it is someone else's. That doesn't help much though, there are two plans of attack. Firstly, if you think that kid is yours, then no matter what you do, don't let them get a DNA test. You don't want to be paying for a crotch fruit while your brother spends your money on tit implants for your ex missus. Cheeky bitch, cheating is wrong. Well, when a woman does it, anyway. Second, if you think that kid is his, then you get that DNA test. Get out there and get shagging as soon as you hear the good news, just remember to give a fake name next time, you daft bastard.

I'm 63, she's 25 - can this relationship work?

The first thing you want to do is get yourself some viagra. I know a bloke who can hook you up in the Dog, just drop me an email and I will ask Uncle Tone to get you some Grade-A cock tablets. You don't want her sacking you off before you get some top quality shagging in. I once shagged a bird who was younger than me, it was class. Just make sure you dump her before she calls it a relationship, young birds are expensive. That young bird I was shagging cost me a fortune in clothes, I had to buy new jeans every week. Because mine were covered in spunk!

How can I be your baby's Dad when I'm not Asian?

I don't see the problem here son. Everyone knows Asians are the most fertile people on the planet, so it stands to reason that the kid isn't yours. Good tactic. I once convinced a bird that I hadn't shot my load inside her, while I was on my way out of her, with spunk dripping off the end of my lad.

Should I marry a man who beats me?

I get asked this question a lot, my answer is usually a surprise. Women are for shagging, not beating. The only thing I beat is my meat. Well, I used to, before I started shagging. Don't marry that fella, the only thing a woman should put up with is adultery.


Even if my son is yours, he'll call my girlfriend Dad.

This is fucking weird. Surely that kid would have two Mom's! I would have loved to have been adopted by a lesbian couple. If porn is realistic, and I think it is, every two lesbians love nothing more than a well hung bloke to come over and give them a good seeing to after about 15 minutes of lezzing out. My house would have been a constant threesome. What I want to know is, if she has shagged at least two blokes, when is it my turn?

Who's the Daddy?

I married my daughter's boyfriend.

He is what we all aspire to, unless the Mom is ugly. I don't see the problem with this. He got to shag you both, what more could he want? Unless there is a fit sister in the mix somewhere.


Prove I'm a Dad... then I'll prove I haven't slept with my Mom.

This is fucked up. I just don't understand how anyone could think this way. It's just sick, completely sick. Why would anyone want to prove they are the Dad? I think you need a penis implant.

Irresistible to women - My fiancee accepts it isn't my fault.

I know exactly what everyone is thinking, and no I was never engaged. I would never get married, ever. This bloke obviously wants to, probably for the tax benefits, or maybe she has a huge inheritance or something, either way, she is probably the one to go for. You won't get any ear ache when you go out shagging that way.

He loved shagging.

Who's Father to your baby? Me or my Dad?

Good wording, "your baby". The thing about shagging is, it has various pitfalls in the form of diseases. I know the doctors say you should use protection, but the thing is, condoms are shit. As far as I am concerned a posh wank is when you get the train to Guildford to knock one out. You can't blame your Dad for smashing your piece, he is obviously a top class fanny rat. Anyway, to help you out, here is what I would do: Leave the country, Brazil is nice. 

Has my Mum had a baby with my husband?

The fucking slag. You can't blame your husband though, he probably fancied her first before he slammed you. The massive problem you have here is that he chucked one up her. Here is what I would do: Leave the country, Brazil is nice.




That's it for me this time. Laters, losers.

Problems in the bedroom? Marriage in a rut? Is your wife clearly cheating and you'd like me to stop railing her? Contact foulentertainment@gmail.com and I'll sort you out.